Stress eating

I worked today. And thanks to the advice of a very dear friend, I left ON TIME. Can’t wait to be done at the office. Life is so much less stressful with such a load off my shoulders!

Just after I got home, Mom called. She started talking to me about tomorrow’s dentist appointment and how she needs an OB/GYN exam and do I know any OB/GYNs in the area (ummm…no…if I did, you’d have an appointment already!)…that, layered on top of the morning’s work stress, the 5 year-old making a peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich (“I can do it MYSELF!”), Mom’s Fox News blaring in the background, the dog barking…it was all too much. I started slamming and banging things, and looked for any excuse to get off the phone.

Once I was off the phone, all I wanted to do was EAT. Inhaled a slice of cheese while I made a sandwich for lunch. Made 8 pb&j sandwiches for Big Sis’ lunches, plus one more for myself. Inhaled.

I did manage to save the chicken sandwich I’d made myself for a few hours before I demolished it.

I KNEW I was stress eating, but I couldn’t make myself stop entirely. It’s so ingrained, it’s the quickest, easiest way for me to destress. I know I should substitute a healthier behavior, but in that moment, I didn’t want to.

The good news is, I stayed away from the huge pan of chocolate chip brownies on the kitchen counter.

And when Mom called back an hour later to talk more about dentist offices and such, I let the machine get it. I know she hates when I do that, but I’d just spent an hour trying to calm down, and I knew if I answered it, I’d just get spun up again.

So I watched the Biggest Loser. And while I watched them endure a Last Chance Workout, I grabbed a pair of weights and worked out my shoulders and arms, which have been in stress-related knots for days.

It feels much better now.

Still trying…

I’m still here. Still trying.

The good news is: I quit my job. I bit off more than I could chew, and it caught up to me.

My last day is February 11. Now, instead of reporting to work when I put the kids on the bus every morning, I will be reporting to the GYM.

I hope it helps. But frankly, folks, I’ve been breaking promises to myself for so long, I don’t even believe me anymore.

I did work out for 10 minutes yesterday, and 20 minutes today.

The other thing I KNOW I need to do is journal my food. I don’t do it now because of the petulant 2-year-old inside me who screams, “You can’t MAKE me!” everytime I consider it.

It’s time to put that BRAT down for a nice, long nap.

So I journaled my food online today at WeightWatchers.com. It’s not a pretty list, but it’s true.

Speaking of food, I watched Food, Inc. today…and boy, am I fired up! It’s scary what happens to our food behind closed doors. I can’t wait to start voting with my fork. So let me know if you have any ideas about how to eat well: healthy, whole organic, sustainable. I’m looking for inspiration!

Pray for me, if you’re the praying kind. I’ll take all the help I can get. I have a big job ahead of me, and NO IDEA how I’m going to pull it off.

“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”
Matthew 26:40-42

Consistency is KEY!

Well, here I am. Back after the holidays. A little up, but not too much. I keep telling myself it’ll fall right off, but it hasn’t…yet.

I did do those 4 days of food journaling, and I awarded myself the tee shirt. Day five? Ummm…#fail. No more journaling. Then Christmas hit, and we did our annual week long whirlwind tour of our hometown, visiting family and friends we don’t get to see for months on end.

As you might imagine, in a situation like that, everyone we visit throws us a party. It’s like the prodigal son has returned! Food EVERYWHERE. No wonder my weight is up!

But we’re back. Work was crazy right up until a couple of hours before the Christmas Eve service (imagine taking Christmas madness and adding to it I-won’t-be-back-at-work-for-a-week madness, dividing by a 9-hour drive and multiplying by all the Christmas presents I still had left to buy). Work is still somewhat crazy.

I’m trying, but y’all, I just can’t get CONSISTENT! And that’s my number-one goal at the moment. I’m not doing myself any good if I work out for 10 minutes one day, 30 the next, and none at all for the next five days. Ditto with journaling.

I actually got to the gym one day. Well, sort of. I bought this cheap $15 per month membership at a local gym back in August. I knew at the time that they didn’t have childcare, and it might be tough to get there, but I figured for $15 per month, I’d roll the dice. So then they added childcare. Last Tuesday, I called ahead to the gym to check on the childcare situation. I packed my gym bag, bundled up the kids, had them pack up their homework so we could go. Drove over, got out of the car, and when we got to the door, there was a sign telling me that gym shoes that had been worn outdoors (in the slushy, salty snow) were NOT welcome on the gym floor or equipment.

I looked down at my shoes. My slushy, salty shoes. Which were the only ones I had with me.

I took the kids back to the car.

On a more positive note, the Weight Watchers meeting at my church is still in the works. We’ve got about 22 people interested, and a WW rep stopped by last week to survey the facility. The church council got a bit fired up about it last week, but in the end, they decided to let it ride. So I’m waiting to hear back from Weight Watchers.

I need to get some traction. Tired of spinning my wheels! I’ve got some ideas for goals, but I can’t choose. I’m indecisive like that. Wanna help?

• Blog here daily (5-7 days a week)
• Journal my food daily
• Work out 10 minutes daily (I know it’s not much, but I just need to build CONSISTENCY)

Anyone have any other ideas?

Thanks for reading…

Kathleen

¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

–Philippians 4:13 (New International Version)

With Both Feet

Yes, I’m still here. I didn’t get caught in some weird New Year time warp. Didn’t get stuck in the snow. Still here.

And it’s time to get to work.

We got a Wii/Wii Fit combo for Christmas. And I’ve got some BIG goals for 2010. I’m just gonna lay it all out on the line here people. Change is on the horizon here, people.

Our current sermon theme at church has to do with traveling through the desert and crossing the river. Basically, getting over what’s been holding us back; living out the life God has planned for us.

I’ve been feeling stuck in the desert for a while now, but I’m all about that leap of faith.

So here goes.

287 lbs.

Yeah, that’s where I am right now. Today, January 17, 2010. My long-term goal is to get down to 150 lbs. And since I don’t anticipate a trip to the Biggest Loser Ranch anytime soon, it’s gonna take  a while. As it should.

Change is hard and long-term change is slow. But change can happen, one step at a time. And it doesn’t hurt that we got a Wii Fit for Christmas, complete with EA Active.

So here’s the goal:

1/17: 287 lbs

2/17: 277 lbs

3/17: 267 lbs

At that rate, I’ll be to my long-term goal by March 2011. Ohmygranny. Wow.

I’ve been doing pretty well with one of my New Year’s goals of consistent posting on my other blog. And I’ve worked out on Wii Fit about 10 days since Christmas, which can TOTALLY be increased.

I’m starting the 30 day Wii Active workout tomorrow.

I’ll keep you posted throughout the month, and report back on 2/17 with my weight and thoughts.

Way to fly across the desert and dive into the river with both feet.

Back in the saddle again

I hope I stay here a while!

I went to my Weight Watchers meeting on Monday evening. Not sure why. Haven’t lost any weight to speak of since I rejoined in May of 2008; just the same 10 lbs. But I know from past experience that if I DON’T keep going I will gain. And gain.

While I was there, one of the members said that you just have to put yourself first.

This is not news to me. But in this holiday hustle and bustle, running here and there, all around the square, taxiing Mom to doctor’s appointment and the kids to holiday activities, I knew I was way at the bottom of the list.

And that was starting to wear on me.

So I was ready to hear it that night.

When I came home, I caught up with my husband. We were talking about his day. He mentioned that one of his co-workers commented on my picture, and as I grilled him to find out which picture of me it was (was it flattering, I hoped?), I came to find out that it was indeed flattering. It was one of the pictures take of me about three years ago.

When I was skinny.

We’re not talking super-skinny, of course. At my lowest adult weight, I was still 181.6 lbs (but who’s counting?). But I had just come off 18 months of eating crazy-clean and working out for 2 hours a day. I looked good.

It seems the ONLY pictures of me in my husband’s office are from that time period.

As far as any of his co-workers know, that’s what I still look like. Even though I’ve gained 80 lbs (HEY! I’m still 15 lbs down from my highest-ever weight, okay?!?).

That hit me hard. He never seemed to care about my weight. After 13 years, he has, quite literally, loved me through thick and thin.

But he must want that skinny wife back. And who could blame him?

So I wept for a while, and then sucked it up.

Back in the saddle.

My plan was to journal for four days straight. I don’t HAVE to stay within my points, just journal. If I do, I’m getting me a brand-new Life Is Good tee shirt.

I’ve got 3 days down. I ROCK!

I’ve also been getting up earlier: 6:15 am, when my husband does. I’ve been hitting the elliptical for 20 minutes before getting ready for work. Did that for 2 days, but blew it this morning. Dragged my feet and ran out of time.

My strategy for tomorrow is to set a pot of coffee for 6:00 am and to go to bed in my workout clothes (I hate having to change twice within an hour in the morning!).

Trying not to get ahead of myself. Slow and steady. Small goals. Rewards.

Also, I work at a church, and I just petitioned the church council to let me investigate starting a Weight Watchers meeting at the church. The response so far has been positive! Maybe if there’s one at the church, I could make it EVERY WEEK. Especially if everyone knows I started it…talk about accountability!

Pray for me…

I’m still here…

…for whatever it’s worth. Chugging along. Not making any progress. Not losing, but not gaining either.

My days are more predictable now:

• 6:30 or 7:00 am: wake up. Sometimes I work out at home on the Wii (My Fitness Coach for 15 minutes) if I’m up early.
• 8:25 am Kids on the bus
• 8:30 am At work with my bowl of steel-cut oatmeal (yum!!). I eat in  the car, then start my work day.
• 11:45 am Out of the building to go pick up my 5-year-old from kindergarten

Afternoons vary wildly. Sometimes I need to run my mom to the doctor or kidney clinic, or for a haircut. Sometimes I need to run the kids somewhere. Sometimes I get to run errands. Rarely, when I’ve had Just About Enough, I go home. But often, I go back to work. This 3-hour-per-day job isn’t really. Most days, I’m okay with that…I like doing this work. Other days…not so much.

• 3:45 pm Pick up my 8-year-old at the bus stop
• 4:00 pm Snack time! Either at home, if we’re lucky, or at work if we’re not. Homework to follow.

About half the time, we have dance class or Girl Scouts (thankfully, the fall soccer season is over) in the evenings.

• 5:45 pm If we’re lucky, DH arrives home, and if we’re luckier still, I’m preparing a reasonably healthy meal. If it’s a Monday, and we’re lucky, I’m on my way to Weight Watchers. I’m not always lucky on Monday nights.
• 8:15 pm DH takes kids upstairs for bedtime routine. If it’s my night, I like to take them up closer to 7:30 pm.
• 9:30 pm DH and I settle in to watch a bit of TV (recent favorites: Flash Forward, Heroes, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report).
• 10:30 or 11:00 pm Bed. Sometimes I fall asleep on the couch earlier, sometimes DH has to drag me to bed kicking and screaming.

It’s hard to get consistent. But I’m still trying.

I think a big part of me doesn’t really believe it’s possible to lose weight and keep it off. I’ve tried. Why go through all the heartache of losing if I’m just gonna gain it all back, and then some? (For the record, though, I’m still about 15 lbs. below my all-time recorded high.)

I just go back to the fact that I FEEL better when I’m exercising and eating better.

And when that fails, I look at my amazingly strong family history of heart disease, diabetes and depression. Yikes.

So I’m not gonna completely give in. I just need to figure out a way to make this WORK.

A friend of mine suggested a challenge over the holidays. I’m considering it.

Who’s with me?

^“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.” –1 Timothy 1:15

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.” –John 14:1

Zumba!

It was a perfect lazy Saturday morning. I could have stayed in bed all morning, but I was up at my usual time: 7:00 am. As soon as Mr. Hoagie (my husband) showed his first signs of waking up, I was at him.

“I gotta get to the gym this morning. I’ve had it. Something has to change. Everything else in my life is working, but NOT working out is NOT working for me. I HAVE to figure out how to get to the gym regularly. I gave myself a grace period after starting this new job, but it’s been a month. I’ve screwed around long enough. It’s time to get SERIOUS.”

You get the point.

Being married to an engineer, the next hour’s discussion centered on a detailed breakdown of a cost-benefit analysis of working out versus doing everything else that needs to get done.

After hashing out daily and weekly schedules, we came to the conclusion that if we go to bed at 10:00 pm (or earlier) daily, we can get up and work out each morning; I at 5:00 am, he at 6:00 am. That is, assuming that either he doesn’t leave the house (so as not to leave our sleeping children unattended) or that I return from the gym early enough that he can squeeze in a 6:00 am run.

So my goal today was to get to the gym this morning in time for the 10:30 am Zumba class. I liked it! A twist on a standard aerobics class in that the music had a (HOT!) salsa beat. A couple of songs even had a Bollywood feel. Not too tough, and it was easy to ramp the choreography up or down to match different ability levels. I definitely got a great workout!

And as if to pat me on the back for making a good decision, God sent me an achingly beautiful, sunny, clear day. The kind that makes you feel blessed to be alive. After my Zumba workout, I stopped for an iced coffee to take to my 5-year-old’s soccer game. It was a great day.

I’m thinking of trying to Zumba every Saturday morning, and possibly on Tuesday evenings whenever possible. They also have a Monday evening yoga class I’d like to try. During the week, the goal is to get to the gym every morning between 5:00 and 6:30 am to get some weightlifting and cardio in.

You know what they say: shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.

Or something like that.

Hey…even if I only get there half the time, that’s still a vast improvement over my current status.

Gotta go. Need to be up early tomorrow. We’re walking a 5K at the zoo. With both kids (5 & 8). It’ll either be great, or I’ll wonder whoever came up with this idea. (Ummmmm…me.)

Oh well. At least we’ll get tee shirts!

Pushing Reset

Overwhelmed much? Don’t know about you, but when I get overwhelmed, I pretty much shut down. My head and heart simply can’t handle the craziness, and I have to fight my urge to simply run away and hide.

Mind you, I haven’t exactly figured out how that would help matters in the long run. As a matter of fact, the few times where I’ve actually DONE it (either physically or mentally) have pretty much created disaster on that front.

Lately I’ve been very much in that danger zone. Stop the world, I want to get off. I feel like I’ve been holding on by a thread. Busy at home, busy at work, busy at church. Children fighting, dog barking, dishes piling up.

A real “Calgon, take me away!” moment.

Of course, it’s in the midst of this that God brings Beth Moore into my life, in the form of the Breaking Free Bible study.

And Ohmygranny! He is really kind of pushy.

Last week we talked about five benefits that God intends for us. One of them was “To Know God and Believe Him”. My initial reaction was, “Well, DUH!”

I know God. I believe in God. Those are no-brainers in my book.

Except that’s not what it said.

Believe God.

Believe that he was faithful yesterday and will be faithful today. To trust him. With everything.

Everything.

This week we’re working through the obstacles to those benefits.

Sigh. This is where I really see how my self-image and pride have SO gotten in the way of my relationship with Him.

Throughout my life, therapists and friends have pointed out that I would never in a million years treat others the way I treat myself. That I would stand up against folks who treat others that way. Why is it that I don’t see that, in God’s eyes, I am just as valuable as those whom I would protect?

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” (Matthew 10:29-31)

It’s difficult to get beyond the “don’t trust anyone but yourself” mentality. But that’s exactly what God wants. He wants us to trust Him. With everything. Unconditionally.

This doesn’t mean we can run away and hide and “let God take care of everything”. I believe he puts people into our lives and puts us into situations that can help us if we trust Him, make educated decisions and act.

So I’m pushing reset on this weight loss thing. I’m pushing reset on a lot of things. I’m saying, “OK, God. Your move.” I’m using the people he’s put in my life and the situations he’s placed me in, and trusting that “…all things work together for good to them that love God.” (Rom. 8:28)

Today I (again) joined Weight Watchers. For a long time, I’ve been saying “Oh, I just want to learn to live healthier; I don’t want to count points for the rest of my life!”

What I really was saying was “I’m afraid it won’t work. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust God to know what is right for me.”

An awful lot of “I’s” in there.

Push reset.

I’m back, baby!

Well, I’m back.

It’s been a crazy month. We came home from our cruise in August via Chicago, and days later, school began.

Big Sis is now a 3rd grader, and Little Sis started kindergarten.

And the day before school started, I started my new job.

Overall, I love it. The work is comfortable and familiar, and I love feeling useful and needed. It’s nice to be able to cross things off a to-do list and leave the building knowing I accomplished something.

The official office hours are supposed to be 9 am to 12 noon, but I usually arrive about 8:30 am just after I put the girls on the bus. I duck out about 11:45 am to pick up Little Sis. If the office is quiet, we’ll go home for lunch and I’ll do some laundry and cleaning. If we don’t go home, I might take Little Sis out for a quick lunch and out to run errands. If the office is busy, I can bring Little Sis back with me and set her up in the next room with some quiet activities and maybe a DVD or PBS Kids.

Life is busier, but so far, it’s a good busy. Before I started the job, I truly had no idea where the extra three hours a day was going to come from. But somehow, the Lord provides, and it’s all worked out okay so far. I don’t get to spend as much time with Chiquita, though. Instead of taking her to the doctor and out to lunch, for instance, we just hit the doctor’s office and head back home. The basics are getting covered, though. And even though she had a fall last week (thanks, Phillips Lifeline!), she’s in good health (well, for HER, anyway).

Regular exercise hasn’t made it back into the routine yet, but that wasn’t happening even before I started the new job. I did make a truly valiant effort to make it to the gym before Mr. Hoagie left for work each day, but that lasted all of a week before I got thrown off by Mr. Hoagie having to go into work early.

God’s working with me on that, though. I woke up this morning from a dream in which it was ten years later, I was ten years older, and still obese. Obviously, that’s NOT my plan, and it lit a fire under me. I spent most of the afternoon walking the dog and Little Sis to and from the park.

Oh yeah…and blogging isn’t routine again yet. Obviously. But I’m working on it!

A Leap of Faith

So I was browsing around the interwebs, catching up on all the latest posts since I’ve been on vacation.

Yep. Those are MY toes!

I was poking through my Google Reader (y’all, I love it…I don’t know why I ever bothered with Yahoo’s) and found myself skimming an old guest post on Yum Yucky. Her guest poster was Jack, whose blog I’ve come across before and liked.

But his most recent post struck a chord with me. Literally, somehow, I felt a sympathetic vibration in my soul.

Go read it. I’ll wait.

“A leap of faith.”

Hmmm.

I think that’s what I need to take.

“But Kath,” you may be saying, “You already have faith…isn’t that why you started this blog?”

Ahh, yes. I DO have faith in the good Lord above.

It’s MYSELF I can’t trust.

I’ve been working HARD on losing weight over the last ten years. And I’ve had success…I’ve lost 60 lbs, twice over (for a net loss of 95 lbs between my highest and lowest ever adult weights).

But mostly, I’ve failed.

It’s not for lack of trying. I’ve TRIED. But it seems when I have the best success, it’s when I’ve managed to master multiple healthy habits SIMULTANEOUSLY: exercising regularly, eating healthy, drinking water, managing stress, etc. I’ve even been around the block enough times to know that I don’t have to have all of them at once, or any one of them PERFECT. Good enough really IS good enough.

But ultimately, I haven’t been able to sustain my efforts. Not permanently.

And I think my last sincere effort really did me in. That was the time I worked with a personal trainer for 18 months. People, I worked my BUTT off. Literally. I ate 250 grams of protein daily (the equivalent of 5 good-sized chicken breasts), including chugging down protein shakes that made me gag. I “ate clean.” I was in the gym for two hours a day for four to SIX days a week, lifting HARD. I got down to a size 12, and had a 10 in my sights!

And when the money to pay the trainer ran out, the weight crept back. Not much, at first…I tried to keep up the rigorous training schedule for a while. I knew the eating-clean diet plan wouldn’t last, but I still tried to eliminate all the processed junk. But after sustaining an effort like that for so long, it felt downright selfish to spend so much time, energy and money on myself. I started putting others first again.

The weight all came back. Plus about ten extra pounds. I’m sure some of it was stress, but still.

And the take-away lesson? All that heartache and hard work was for NOTHING!

So I’m still not willing to put in a sustained effort. What’s the point? Chances are, it will backfire on me.

I have trained myself that I am not to be trusted.

But God, however, CAN be trusted.

In some of my early weight loss efforts over the last few months, I’ve prayed that if I do my part, God will do His. And on those days, things went well. I did feel we were both doing our parts, and all was right with the world.

It’s when I drop my end of the bargain that things crumble.

I need to be able to trust myself again, to have faith in my own abilities. And working through The Four-Day Win will help me trust myself again, in baby steps. That is, if I work through the exercises.

And so we come back to that “leap of faith.”

Let’s start with those baby steps.

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.”  —John 14:1