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…for whatever it’s worth. Chugging along. Not making any progress. Not losing, but not gaining either.

My days are more predictable now:

  • 6:30 or 7:00 am: wake up. Sometimes I work out at home on the Wii (My Fitness Coach for 15 minutes) if I’m up early.
  • 8:25 am Kids on the bus
  • 8:30 am At work with my bowl of steel-cut oatmeal (yum!!). I eat in  the car, then start my work day.
  • 11:45 am Out of the building to go pick up my 5-year-old from kindergarten

Afternoons vary wildly. Sometimes I need to run my mom to the doctor or kidney clinic, or for a haircut. Sometimes I need to run the kids somewhere. Sometimes I get to run errands. Rarely, when I’ve had Just About Enough, I go home. But often, I go back to work. This 3-hour-per-day job isn’t really. Most days, I’m okay with that…I like doing this work. Other days…not so much.

  • 3:45 pm Pick up my 8-year-old at the bus stop
  • 4:00 pm Snack time! Either at home, if we’re lucky, or at work if we’re not. Homework to follow.

About half the time, we have dance class or Girl Scouts (thankfully, the fall soccer season is over) in the evenings.

  • 5:45 pm If we’re lucky, DH arrives home, and if we’re luckier still, I’m preparing a reasonably healthy meal. If it’s a Monday, and we’re lucky, I’m on my way to Weight Watchers. I’m not always lucky on Monday nights.
  • 8:15 pm DH takes kids upstairs for bedtime routine. If it’s my night, I like to take them up closer to 7:30 pm.
  • 9:30 pm DH and I settle in to watch a bit of TV (recent favorites: Flash Forward, Heroes, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report).
  • 10:30 or 11:00 pm Bed. Sometimes I fall asleep on the couch earlier, sometimes DH has to drag me to bed kicking and screaming.

It’s hard to get consistent. But I’m still trying.

I think a big part of me doesn’t really believe it’s possible to lose weight and keep it off. I’ve tried. Why go through all the heartache of losing if I’m just gonna gain it all back, and then some? (For the record, though, I’m still about 15 lbs. below my all-time recorded high.)

I just go back to the fact that I FEEL better when I’m exercising and eating better.

And when that fails, I look at my amazingly strong family history of heart disease, diabetes and depression. Yikes.

So I’m not gonna completely give in. I just need to figure out a way to make this WORK.

A friend of mine suggested a challenge over the holidays. I’m considering it.

Who’s with me?

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.” –1 Timothy 1:15

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.” –John 14:1

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So I was browsing around the interwebs, catching up on all the latest posts since I’ve been on vacation.

Yep. Those are MY toes!

Yep. Those are MY toes!

I was poking through my Google Reader (y’all, I love it…I don’t know why I ever bothered with Yahoo’s) and found myself skimming an old guest post on Yum Yucky. Her guest poster was Jack, whose blog I’ve come across before and liked.

But his most recent post struck a chord with me. Literally, somehow, I felt a sympathetic vibration in my soul.

Go read it. I’ll wait.

“A leap of faith.”

Hmmm.

I think that’s what I need to take.

“But Kath,” you may be saying, “You already have faith…isn’t that why you started this blog?”

Ahh, yes. I DO have faith in the good Lord above.

It’s MYSELF I can’t trust.

I’ve been working HARD on losing weight over the last ten years. And I’ve had success…I’ve lost 60 lbs, twice over (for a net loss of 95 lbs between my highest and lowest ever adult weights).

But mostly, I’ve failed.

It’s not for lack of trying. I’ve TRIED. But it seems when I have the best success, it’s when I’ve managed to master multiple healthy habits SIMULTANEOUSLY: exercising regularly, eating healthy, drinking water, managing stress, etc. I’ve even been around the block enough times to know that I don’t have to have all of them at once, or any one of them PERFECT. Good enough really IS good enough.

But ultimately, I haven’t been able to sustain my efforts. Not permanently.

And I think my last sincere effort really did me in. That was the time I worked with a personal trainer for 18 months. People, I worked my BUTT off. Literally. I ate 250 grams of protein daily (the equivalent of 5 good-sized chicken breasts), including chugging down protein shakes that made me gag. I “ate clean.” I was in the gym for two hours a day for four to SIX days a week, lifting HARD. I got down to a size 12, and had a 10 in my sights!

And when the money to pay the trainer ran out, the weight crept back. Not much, at first…I tried to keep up the rigorous training schedule for a while. I knew the eating-clean diet plan wouldn’t last, but I still tried to eliminate all the processed junk. But after sustaining an effort like that for so long, it felt downright selfish to spend so much time, energy and money on myself. I started putting others first again.

The weight all came back. Plus about ten extra pounds. I’m sure some of it was stress, but still.

And the take-away lesson? All that heartache and hard work was for NOTHING!

So I’m still not willing to put in a sustained effort. What’s the point? Chances are, it will backfire on me.

I have trained myself that I am not to be trusted.

But God, however, CAN be trusted.

In some of my early weight loss efforts over the last few months, I’ve prayed that if I do my part, God will do His. And on those days, things went well. I did feel we were both doing our parts, and all was right with the world.

It’s when I drop my end of the bargain that things crumble.

I need to be able to trust myself again, to have faith in my own abilities. And working through The Four-Day Win will help me trust myself again, in baby steps. That is, if I work through the exercises.

And so we come back to that “leap of faith.”

Let’s start with those baby steps.

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.”  —John 14:1